Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
