I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
