Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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