Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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