85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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