dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
