you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
