The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
