shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
