You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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