he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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