Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
