Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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