i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ruined the universe
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize