We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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