I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
