It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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