Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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