is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
