Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
