who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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