today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
