some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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