Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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