She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
