now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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