Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
