Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
