He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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