So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
