I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I haven't been this sober since birth.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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