My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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