Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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