life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
