about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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