conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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