new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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