Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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