I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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