The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
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