note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
