So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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