my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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