Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
