Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He shit in the fireplace
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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