I wish my penis had an off switch
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
