I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
