everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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