If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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