I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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