I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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