I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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