Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
