I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
