There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ugly people sure do ruin things
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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