She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
