ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
